What do computers eat for a snack? Ive collected 90 funniest affirmations from different sources on the web that will help you start a day in a positive manner. Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas. Share them with your friends and colleagues and make them smile too. Im thinking like a proton, always positive., 9. - Christopher Reeve. I am on a seafood diet. I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case were having cake. If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. Steven Wright, 252. And their purpose certainly isn't to minimize hard feelings. Inspiring Quotes About Life "Here, we like to keep you inspired by showing you beautiful words of wisdom based . It doesnt work if it is not open. I am tough and resilient. 259. A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up. Positive affirmations kind of set the way how your day will flow. I love my kids, which means I am doing just fine. 278. Start as soon as you wake up in the morning. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. It's OK to take a break. Nothing, they just waved. Begin your days with these powerful, funny affirmations for self-esteem. If you're going to be thinking, you may as well think big. Even on my worst day, Ive still got 24 hours., 6. I dont need a psychologist to dig into my personal life and ask me about all of my secrets, thats what my friends are for!, 13. Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. I wish my wallet came with free refills. 7. 36. And, it doesnt have to be hard or complicated! 97. Because seven ate nine. Life always offers you a second chance. Im sorry, but thats just the way I am. 87. Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park. If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 -9 years, you can believe in yourself for at least 5 minutes. I have committed to being my most outstanding self. If you see affirmations that say " I will, " " I used to, " or " I'm going to, " then this is NOT an affirmation. You wanna know who Im in love with? I try to see the funny side of every situation., 3. 174. Stressed spelled backward is desserts. 4. 251. A wishbone. Is it perfect? 145. I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. Im not running away from hard work, Im too lazy to run. ". Stop texting me in the middle of texting you, now I have to change my text. I ve had great success using daily affirmations for my personal development. Life begins on Friday night. 196. 84. I deserve sugar, spice, and all things nice. When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh. 38. Well, life isn't just about glitz and glamour nor rainbows and butterflies. Nobody is listening, but you still feel embarrassed. Why cant you play cards on a small boat? It will have a positive effect on your mind and body, and form an association between affirmations and a happy feeling. Not me, but somebody does. 8. Your mind will naturally focus more on the positive things that happen that day rather than the negatives. - Kyle Chandler. 194. Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. Swimming trunks. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. Whenever I get back home, I lose all the superpowers that I had when with friends. Affirmations are an opportunity to be honest with ourselves and recognize that we have a treasure trove of power and creativity within us. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. I wasnt mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if Im mad.. yes, Im mad! Steve Martin, 254. 44. I am lazy till I get a motive. Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now thats confusing. If you want flowers on February 14, plant them now., 6. Short Positive Daily Affirmations. Lorrin L. Lee. Dont forget to drink water and get some sun. Alexa, please clean the negativity off of my mind please., 4. Short people with an umbrella. Read next: 45 Self-Compassion Affirmations to Practice when Feeling Low. How do trees access the internet? When, in fact, we must be optimistic and supportive of ourselves. 26. So life is not always "All The Way Up", I guess. 50. If youre hotter than me, then that means Im cooler than you. Best friends eat your food. My son is now an entrepreneur. Theres life without Facebook and internet? Bill Murray, 260. When you leave work on Friday, leave work. You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. Monday I shall slay thee with me mighty cup of coffee. I like expensive things because I learn the act of taking care from them. Ive been doing nothing for years. -Gandhi. 279. 100. 252. 8. But even if this does happen, who cares? Ive made it from the bed to the couch. Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it. 143. What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? 72. In between, I am alive. 176. 65. 57. Ill start this journey with my 10 favorite funny affirmations that never fail to make me laugh. Pardon me, I have 6 pounds of boneless mass to get rid of. I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status. 239. For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. Im so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. 233. 7. 64. Say your affirmations slowly and clearly. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. 260. 20. 107. 217. Over time, when you use these affirmations, your mind begins to equate new words with weight loss. In between, I am alive., 7. I am thankful for all those difficult people in my life. Amidst all the stress, anxiety and worries, a smile can help you brighten your day. 3. Heres a list of funny affirmations that will improve your mood instantly. IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. grateful. 274. May life man not be perfect, but Im blessed., 13. But sometimes affirmations may not work. Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle. "Your mistakes don't define you.". We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side. Chris Rock I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Given below are some short quotes to tickle your funny bone. I can believe in myself for 5 minutes., 2. People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade. A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. We need to hear a pin drop. It has nothing new to tell you. 177. So, here's our compilation of funny work quotes that are perfect for every workplace: Image Source: Unsplash. Granted, it can be challenging to write affirmations, especially if you havent done it before. 70. 2. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey. I try to see the funny side of every situation. I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. As a result, youll stay consistent, and with affirmations, consistency is the name of the game. Sharing quotes, proverbs, and sayings of great authors to touch people's lives to make it better. Those who snore always fall asleep first. These kinds of things just come with the territory if youre trying to live a meaningful life. A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. 15. Jackie Collins Not everyone has good taste., 3. 3. When affirmations make you feel good about yourself, they are most effective. 2. Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? Don't forget to be awesome. Life is always easier with some humor, smiles, laughter and fun. 254. Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. 34. 148. I am changing all my useless things into something productive by working on them. The rest are too expensive. They allow you to focus on the positive and what is working in your life rather than dwelling on the negative. "If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.". I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. 131. I am awesome. So put on your favorite song, take a deep breath, and say these affirmations during your next tough time for some much-needed positivity! I love the moment when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today., 12. 114. "If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.". Feel free to pick a few of these affirmations and say them to yourself the next time youre overwhelmed, stressed, or just dealing with negative self-talk. 76. I walk in the direction of what feels good for my soul. Learn sign language, its very handy. After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F. 204. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. I am thankful for all the problems I dont have. Then, think about how easy it would be to say a simple statement to yourself throughout the day. Self-worth has nothing to do with clothing size. Diet rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesnt contain any calories. I keep moving forward even if my pants come off. If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. The most important aspect is being honest with yourself and opting for a meaningful statement. Give your body time to absorb the positivity and let go of negative thoughts. And get over it. 131. Raimonda.B. How do you count cows? My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. You can also think of your affirmations while you work, drive, do yoga, or simply enjoy time with friends. 242. This is a good thing because affirmations are supposed to be associated with happiness and positive emotions. Breasts dont have eyes. Your email address will not be published. Words have the power to make or break us. 20. 219. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. Dont worry, the spider is smaller than you. They have shown me exactly who I do not want to be., 15. IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. Effective pushing often involves poop. - Unknown. When they go away, its a brighter day. Here's some short funny affirmations that will hopefully brighten up your day. "I receive what I believe.". You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer., 10. 120. I'm having a staff meeting.". I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. Im not lazy, Im just very relaxed. 122. 103. Treat me like a joke and Ill leave you like its funny. 39 funny positive affirmations. I am naturally cool, calm, and collected. Funny Positive Affirmations For Work. I dont think thats a coincidence., 3. Its time to be much more intentional about the words that we tell ourselves and take a step back from all of lifes noise. Nobody gets out alive anyway. It changes your perception and these short positive affirmations have a way of changing the way you look at yourself and feel more confident. 59. Funny affirmation quotes funny quotes about affirmation. I am way dumb than my mom keeps blabbering about me to the neighbors aunt. 55. 225. A backbone. A perfectly executed joke, said at a right time and at a right place, can change an awkward situation into a comfortable one. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. Then you stand in front of the mirror, take a deep breath in, open your mouthwait, this is funny. And a funny bone. 164. Following my intuition and my heart keeps me safe and sound. You can write them down and use them whenever youre attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. I have a healthy body, tranquil mind and a vibrant soul. My to-do list doesnt include dealing with negative people., 5. 199. Im thinking like a proton, always positive. Snowballs. Edward A. Murphy I stick to things until I get to my destination. - Irish Saying. 278. Laughter also has a social aspect, as its the perfect way to bond with people. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. I dont need validation from others to know Im killing it. Its not easy staying motivated for work all the time. I dont think thats a coincidence. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? 165. To anybody I hurt this year, I just wanna say you deserve it. 61. Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. 12. 225. Positive music, resilience, inner strength and a growth mindset lead to success!. 138. 38. - TS Eliot. Lily Tomlin Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. Pleasing everyone, thats impossible. 182. 236. If you dont succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. Sometimes I am so freaking awesome, I blow my own mind. I dont need excuses, because I never mess things up. Im not here to judge, Im just pointing out all the mistakes youre making. There are endless opportunities. Actually, you dont have to imagine. Let me gather my thoughts and crush this Monday., 15. "I make people laugh, whether it's with me or at me.". 195. You can also share them with your co-workers to put a smile on their faces. Dont worry about those who talk behind your back, theyre behind you for a reason., See also: The Best List Of 130 People Talk Behind Your Back Quotes. Quotes that make no sense Photo: pexels.com (modified by author) Source: UGC. If we shouldnt eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? 183. 63. 246. 146. I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? You dont have to be crazy to be my friend, but it helps. Really? At night, I cant fall asleep. He who laughs last didnt get it. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. Oh sheet!. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. 220. Im going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, Im outstanding. The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep. When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. 169. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet from the inside., 11. 52. 177. I am here to live to the fullest. When they go away, its a brighter day. I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. 1. It is, therefore, safe to say that, sense of humor. Expect nothing and appreciate everything. 81. 238. Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo. 228. I love my computer because all my friends live inside it. 145. You can only be young once. "We . The most important thing to remember when using positive affirmations is that it is all about how you feel. Shoot for the moon. I wonder why spiderman narrated it the other way round. I am the sunshine even when its gloomy outside. My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again. 9. Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. What do you call a bear with no teeth? Sincerely, yourself. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. Allow yourself to laugh if you feel the need. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. 31. 129. 115. Run. Absorb these 41 positive quotes and positive affirmations and start feeling positive now! Yesterday I did nothing and today Im finishing what I did yesterday. 136. Why is England the wettest country? 150. I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status. Trust me, your secrets are safe with me and all of my friends. 71. Its okay, he woke up. It makes them so damned mad. Plus, youre never gonna become funny and charismatic by being afraid to speak your mind. Today I was a hero. I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. 88. Seeing a spider in my room isnt scary. Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. Not everyone has good taste. 248. On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. 170. Sometimes these surprises are way too spectacular and sometimes way too tragic. 51. Short Funny Affirmations. Whats the difference between a guitar and a fish? Find a short calm and peaceful moment in your day and use it for setting your mindset up for happiness. Ann Landers Charles M. Schulz Bill Murray When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow as well., 13. 109. 203. Your habits become your values. 101. - Billie Burke. 253. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? 2. I havent talked to my wife in three weeks. I am lazy till I get a motive. Not a peli-cant. You were too lazy to read that number. I am capable of rewriting my grievances and transforming my fears. 158. 269. Effective pushing often involves poop. Good morning! Short Funny Quotes. I tell you what always catches my eye. Positive Daily Affirmations for Women. I cant make everyone happy, Im not tequila. 93. Quotes To Inspire You (MLK), 80 Life Gets Better Quotes To Brighten Your Day (Hope), 50 Bad Luck Quotes When You Feel Ill-Fated. Because it was soda pressing. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. 3. Whether youre saying the affirmations aloud or writing them down, laughing along will only strengthen their effect. I live in a loving, nurturing, safe, and beautiful world. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. 87. 44. 112. People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. 219. Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but Im still going to keep looking. We all have different and distinctive senses of humor thats what makes us such unique individuals. "May your yoga pants be stretchy, your coffee be strong and your Wednesday be short.". Pat Sajak, 41. 105. Relaxing the mind with some funny affirmations is an easy way to reduce stress and keep yourself grounded in moments of turmoil. 80. Dont give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. 231. Albert King. Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. Dont let anything or anyone stop you from achieving what you truly aspire. So, you promise yourself from tomorrow on, youll be starting your days using affirmations. Steven Wright Laughter has always been lauded for its therapeutic effects. So, watch your words, restructure your thoughts, and stay positive if you want to see a change in your life. 273. 144. 217. Stuart Turner Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. Ted Turner. They say dont try this at home so Im coming over to your house to try it. You wanna know who Im in love with? To the guy who created imaginary numbers in math: I hate you. 'Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.'. I tell you what always catches my eye. You might enjoy: Affirmations: 13 Answers You Should Know It gets toad away. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. 275. 56. Microchips. Erma Bombeck. I personally love watching masters of comedy captivate audiences with their dark humor and crafty punchlines. I love it when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today. Why cant you play cards on a small boat? 21. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. This might be a work in progress, or you might need to remind yourself of how funny you actually are. Allow your body to absorb the positivity of your words by repeating them to yourself. If you woke up feeling drained and blurry, these funny affirmations will boost your energy and get you ready to slay the day! Even if you dont consider yourself a funny person, you should never be afraid to express your unique humor. 100 Funny Christmas Quotes. Excuse me while I go on a ride on the porcelain steamer. Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if you're one of them (I bet you are), you're going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm.I'm sure you've heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily.They are a powerful to. P.D. Im not weird, Im just limited edition. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. I never apologize. Subscribe To Our Newsletter! I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? You cant have everything, where would you put it? My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people dont think Im dead.